Unedited Mmmm)

Parker Oakley Liam….

Hey bud!  I wanted to take a second to explain to u why I made this email account for you!  Well throughout the years of u living in Canada and me living in wyo it’s been hard for me to be away from you guys. Harder than you’ll ever know!  I decided it was important for me to have this act for u to look at in future so u could read our memories, me having a way to write u a letter about things your too young to understand now and I need to tell u about now and u can read it in the future.!  My way of u knowing and understanding how it was for me being away from u guys. When ur as young as u are now u don’t need to be worrying about mommy crying and being sad without u because it makes it so much harder for u. So I try not to make a big deal out of it in front of u. But I would like u to know what it was really like for me during these times in the future so u are never left with unanswered questions or bitter feelings and now will know that there want a second that would pass that I didn’t think about u or miss u. I never wanted to be away and as a matter of fact it has almost killed me inside. But these things aren’t for little girls to know. But I feel u need to know when ur old enough! It’s also a way for me to have all our memories and “us” recorded!  Memories are an amazing thing we have and this way you will have even more. Going back to certain memories can make a bad day seem easy for me. Memories of my time with my kids is what keeps me happy, hopeful, emotional stable, and motivated during the hard times. U will soon learn that mommy was never good at handling hard things so I would ignore them or eventually, find something or anything to relieve me of the hard things in life. This is where I got in trouble with myself. I never really learned how to handle the hard things in life and come out the otherwise a better person becaus of it. I never trusted or loved myself enough to feel I could handle the hard things and make the right decision. I was always scared of the possibility of the hard things being even harder! So I learned really young to do whatever it was to make them go away. Weather it be lie about it this one time, numb it, avoid it, manipulate it, or force these things into something I could handle or avoid painful consequences!  This all worked great for so long it felt like it was making my life bearable when things were hard. I didn’t realize that I was learning and making it a habit of doing this things all the time with everything because it was easier. Well slowly and without me knowing I was destroying my integrity, my confidence and my self esteem while taking the easy route. I found a way no matter what it took to make life how I wanted it to go no matter what the cost. The cost ended up being my sanity!!! I hated who I was and felt like a bad person but I also was too scared to be honest with myself and others, suffer a little or a lot of pain to come out of hard point in life as a better more wise person. I always wanted to be such a good person for me and for others but was avoiding the work it took to get there and felt hopeless and then guilty and worthless and would search more and harder for the next new obsession or addiction to take my mind away from pain and thoughts and make it go numb!!! I needed numb! It’s only way I could feel ok about myself to get through life.
So that was the pattern of my life. Nothing would end it or stop it or give me any sense of relief from myself unless it was something on the outside I could use to try and fill the dark hole I had that was growing larger and larger in my soul. For a long time I had myself convinced it was working. Then if it stopped working and became out of control. I would feel the hole growing again and switch to a new obsession or addiction that would sub out the last one. It wasn’t until last year at this time that i had gotten so bad that I wAs walking around thinking I was ok and everyone else thinking it that I was blind to the lifeless soul that was left inside me!!! And I scared myself and SHOCKEDeven myself so bad I had to give up!  I put myself in a position that I couldn’t understand or make better or make an excuse for the first time in forever. I felt like I was literally insane. I couldn’t even trust myself to know what I was capable of!  I had to give up control of my life because I got so so low that I didn’t have another choice!!! The more I wanted to make things good and control myself the more I would fail!  It came to life or death for me loose everyone I love as well as my own self and life to finally turn a corner and begin to heal. I hate that I had to get so low and hurt so many people to learn some lessons but I have realized that I never would have gotten almost a year sober now if I didn’t drive myself to the point of utter bottom!  Anything else would have made me still think I had some control. Utter bottom u have nothing!!!  I had the choice of giving up my control of things I can’t control (my life) and start from scratch with myself learn a new way of living or I was facing death!  The scariest part is that death scared me but wasn’t as scary as not being a part of my kids life. The ultimate death to me would be to be alive on earth without being in my kids life because of myself!!! And that I couldn’t do!!! I had no choice but to pick option one and give up control. The only thing I had left within my soul was the unwavering love for my kids!!! How can a person be so in love with 3 of her young kids and still make the same mistakes over and over each time getting worse and not change?!?!? Ya I know. Makes no sense to everyone else!!! But especially to myself. I had no idea how it was humanly possible to love my kids so much it amost hurt and yet still let things get so out of control over and over and not wake up!!! Well I woke up eventually when I saw that no matter how much I loved u guys or obsessed about u guys it wouldn’t stop me from losing all three of you. It couldn’t keep me away from this disease. Why? Because I’m told it’s not humanly possible. But if I surrender my self to GOD he can and will relieve me of my insanity and let me become the good wise person I have always yearned for. But I had to know it was GODS Doing and not my own self will I had to face the pain and trust that he would pull me through it no matter how bad it hurt and even come out on other side a wiser person. Changing who u are and dealing with the wreckage of all the things I avoided or numbed is and was so hard. But how would it hurt anymore than what just one more drink would bring me; losing my kids. A yr ago I was so so low and hopeless and run down that whatever I had to do to get back to sanity I would do. I’m still in this process of dealing with the damage I have done and facing people I have hurt, and still feel shame and unbearable pain of missing u guys. But I’m getting there. I’ve gotten to the point that just feeling the feeling that comes up good or bad not numbing it or trying to heighten it is becoming somewhat freeing! I no longer feel like if I let myself break down to raw emotion I would literally lose it for good. Feeling the pain guilt and shame and grief hate pity emptiness regret is ok!!!! If I feel a certain way it’s ok to stop and just feel the feeling feel the hurt be aware of what it is I’m feeling and then let it go and move on. I can now say goodbye to u guys get in my car close the door and cry so hard and just let it all out, scream, do what I have to go because it’s ok to hurt after saying goodbye to your kids and ok to cry about it and feel pain. It’s not ok to let it consume me and take me to a place or self hate or self punishment. Then when I feel ready I stop crying and just feel quiet and still for a minute. That’s when i felt relief. I didn’t avoid what I as feeling or try to mask it. I felt it and then it was gone and out of my system. I could take a deep breath and let it go and move forward. What a strong relief. I’m now not scared to face pain or disappointment because it’s part of life and it’s just a feeling I’ll feel then I have to the choice of how I want to move on. It’s not always easy but it’s easier than trying to run facing chaos again!  And chancing the ultimate loss!! The only way I think I will ever be able to accept the past and completely let go of the guilt is if I can look back and see that it was because of all the hard times and pain and bad choices that I became the person I am hoping I’ll be when my kids are adults. If it was the only way I was going to ever have a chance of breaking the misery cycle then it will have been worth it!! I feel like I’m becoming the role model I want to be for you more and more rather than the girl I used to be that was so broken and beaten up inside by my own self that I actually had myself convinced that the love I have for you guys would fix me and make me the person I needed to be. Now I still love u more than anything and try to be the mom I’ve always wanted to be by my actions and being an example to you. I don’t feel like a phony. I read all about how to be a perfect mom and did ALL those things to a tee for a long time. But that didn’t make me a good mom because I followed the perfect mom handbook. What makes me be able to look in the mirror today and actually feel like a good person and mom is knowing I’m not following any rules or book or being the mom I think others want me to be. I actually feel like me just being happy healthy and stable and putting things into a different perspective than before has led to one simple thing….. Trust and confidence in what I am doing and who I am because I deserve to have good things in my life and it’s ok to love myself and forgive myself. I am such a better mommy because for once I feel like maybe I deserve good things and can trust that I am doing what’s right because my intentions are where they should be. I’m being a good person for me. I go to bed at night knowing I made thought out desisions let things be got out of the doom of my past, let go of fear of the future and did my best for the day and if I lacked it was ok. Because I can make things better. I feel the love u all have for me and welcome it and deserve it now. I’m ok with not being perfect. And feel comfortable admiting my mistakes. Because I walk through my day with good intentions and sometimes that all u can do. I can rest easy at night knowing that I did everything within my control for the day to be the best mother I could be. Even if it’s not in someone else’s eyes. I’m learning to love myself and it’s hard but good. It will never get easier saying goodbye to u guys and will never hurt less and I’ll never feel completely 100% full inside when your not around. But that’s ok. The time I do have with u is so special that I soak it up more than most would. I make the best of every minute of it and appreciate every single second. Even if it’s not how I thought my motherhood would be. It’s what it is now and I have the ability to make it best I can. Every sacrifice I make in my life to see u as often as I do when u live so far away is beyond worth it!!! I will always do the best u can at being in your life as much as possible because u deserve that from me because u need me in your life and because I deserve to have what I do have. Sacrifice what needs to be is easy when it’s all in knowing that it’s what’s best for u guys and u deserve ur mommy to give that to u!!  You are all so special to me and have made my life a life worth living. I love u so much. I hope that you can learn from some of my mistakes too. And that u can always talk to me and ask me anything!  It’s really important for me to be honest with u about who I am and where I’ve come from. The ultimate sigh of relief will be the day that I can see that u benefited from me becoming a better person and good can come from hard times if we are willing to let it. Love love love you!!!

Mommy

May 18 2015. 1 day away from year of sobriety

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